NOW

Now is the time for life

Not tomorrow

Next week

Next month

Now is the time for being

For doing

For creating

For absorbing

Now is the time for truth

For authenticity

For honesty

For purity

Now is the time to start

This minute

This second

This breath

11/26/2000

Sincerely, now, ED

Forgive Myself, Love Myself

When I was an overweight child I hated myself. Since I was fat, I thought I was a bad, stupid person.

When I was eight to ten years old, two different women, in front of their daughters, actually told me I was too fat and ugly. They also said I would never have a boyfriend. Since their girls were thin and pretty, I believed all their hurtful words.

Instead of believing the loving compliments from my family, I dwelled on the cruel words of others. I blamed myself for being fat and ugly. I felt like the kids and adults who were nice to me were trying to not hurt my feelings. My self esteem was very low.

Thankfully I grew up in a family that loved to play and yet still be responsible. Most of my memories are happy ones. It wasn’t all bad.

I kept my negative thoughts about myself inside my heart and never talked about it. I grew up believing what I was told by the wrong people.

When I was older I began to realize there were some good qualities about me that had nothing to do with my looks. I tried to focus on the good parts. However, I always went back to my biggest problem, I’m fat.

I started dieting as a young teen. I could lose weight then gain it back. Every year I weighed more than the year before. I averaged an annual ten pound weight gain throughout high school and college. Eventually, it tapered down to gaining three to five pounds a year.

In my thirties I was interested in self-help books. I read them and did the recommended steps to help me see my true self.

I learned how both the negative and positive events in my life formed the person I became. I also learned I needed to forgive myself of any wrong doings I did, or felt I did. And, I needed to forgive others.

After all the forgiveness, especially on myself and the self blaming, I finally could learn to love myself. I began to realize I was intelligent, strong and capable of love. Being overweight did not make me a bad, stupid person.

My self esteem went from low to very high. I began to like myself and eventually love myself.

It was years later before I successfully began my slow weight loss and kept it off. I’m thankful I never gave up.

I’m also thankful I forgave myself and learned to love myself. I am very happy I became the human being I am today.

Sincerely, a happy human, ED

P.S. I do have a very high self esteem. Please forgive me if I boasted too much.

100 Pounds Lighter : Part 8

I discovered when I weighed less it meant I needed to eat less. I considered each surprised weight loss a gift. If it was a quarter of a pound, or two pounds, I was determine to not gain it back. However, to maintain my new lower weight, I had to cut back a little more on food.

Whatever my weight, my goal was to not gain. Every time I tried to lose weight it came right back. If I tried to maintain and experience a little weight loss in the process, it was easier to not gain it back.

This only worked if I kept to my five tools on maintaining weight. I had to be focused on when I was hungry and how I felt as I ate.

I realized, as I became smaller, so did my appetite. My body was actually telling me to eat less.

At first this made me sad. I love food and didn’t have a desire to eat less. However, I stuck to my goal to maintain and not gain.

I felt better when I used my stop gaining tools. I enjoyed my smaller size and felt good about my lighter healthier self. These benefits helped me accept the fact I had to eat less food. I don’t even miss the extra calories I gave up.

I’m posting my five helpful aids again. I’ll always try to live by these tools. I still have the rest of my life to get it right, and keep it right.

  1. Record my weight daily. (part 2)
  2. Stop eating when my stomach is satisfied and before I get full. (part 3)
  3. When I dine at home, eat at a designated spot without any distractions. (part 4)
  4. Stop eating a food after the first few bites of enhanced flavor fades down to a less enjoyable sensation. (part 4)
  5. Eat only when I’m physically hungry and not at expected scheduled meal times. (part 5)

Sincerely, living a lighter life, ED

100 Pounds Lighter : Part 7

(This is an observation and not about stopping weight gain.)

I always wondered why a lot of people believe they need to lose more weight than they should. Then I discovered a reason.

When I reached my healthy weight, I still felt fat. Actually, I still looked fat.

When I would lose weight my body stayed the same shape as when I was overweight. Where was my skinnier body?

I even loss more weight than I should because I felt too heavy. I’m embarrassed about how much I managed to lose. I forgot my goal was to maintain my present weight and tried to lose because I felt too fat.

I’m not sure if my extra weight loss contributed to a mystery illness, but it helped me realize I needed to get back up to the weight my doctor recommended. Of course, my body loves to gain pounds so I soon returned to my healthy self.

I still feel like I should weigh less. I’m not skinny. However I now know, underweight, or overweight, I will always keep my same body shape.

I came into this world with a belly and it’s not going away, no matter what I weigh. I accepted this and I’m happy to not lose, or gain, any more pounds.

Maintaining my weight is still an effort, but that’s alright. I still have the rest of my life to get it right, and keep it right.

Sincerely, living a lighter life, ED

Broken Creation

For years I felt horrified over Moses’ actions in a Bible story found in Exodus. After he spent time on Mount Sinai, Moses returned to his people with two stone tablets inscribed with God’s commandments.

When Moses discovered the Israelites built a golden calf to worship, he threw the tablets down in anger. The tablets written by God were destroyed.

How could Moses break something so precious? Wouldn’t it be great to see, or touch, God’s inscription on stone? Moses allowed his emotions to take over and the tablets were no more.

I came across this story again during my daily Bible reading. I realized I had no right to judge Moses. I am no different.

Everything on Earth is a creation with God’s signature engraved on it. Every tree, flower, mountain, sea, the air we breath, and the water we drink are as precious as those tablets.

I first thought this is the understanding I was suppose to receive, yet the broken tablets kept haunting me. I could not see the whole picture and dwelled on this for days.

Then it hit me. I am a creation of God. I am one of His created tablets.

Every time I do something negative to myself, I’m breaking off a piece of this tablet. Every time I put the wrong food in my mouth, another part crumbles. Every time I deny myself enough sleep, over exercise, or not take care of myself, a few more cracks appear.

As I allow my emotions to rule my life, I’ll become more run down than an ancient tombstone. I’ll be chiseled and crumbled to nothing like God’s creation was meant for me. I will destroy God’s beautiful handwriting, myself.

I am very thankful for the gift of hope. As I choose to live a healthier life, I stop the damage and begin to repair the destruction.

Later in the Bible, Moses cuts out two more stone tablets. He goes back up the mountain and God’s words were engraved on the new tablets.

I will cut out a new tablet as weight and excess fat slip away and allow God to etch His words into the beautiful creation he meant me to be. I’ll no longer be a broken creation.

Sincerely, engraved, ED

P.S. I wrote this over two decades ago. This was my best encouragement to get me started in the correct direction. I will always strive to get it right.

100 Pounds Lighter : Part 6

While trying to get it right and stop my weight gain, I discovered five tools I needed. It was trial and error in the beginning. Eventually my tools became a habit.

The bonus was the slow weight loss. Whether I maintain or lose weight, my goal remains the same, do not gain weight.

Occasionally I would get greedy and try to lose weight, but my body seemed to protest and gain it back. I decided I had the rest of my life to manage whatever was my current weight. Trying to lose was a waste of time.

Since I am a hundred pounds lighter instead of a hundred pounds heavier, I posted my five tools below. These tools are still part of my life today.

  1. I record my weight almost daily. (see part 2)
  2. I stop eating when my stomach is satisfied and before I feel full. (see part 3)
  3. When I’m home, I only eat at a designated spot without distractions, like TV, radio, book, cell phone or tablet. (see part 4)
  4. I stop eating a food after the first few bites of enhanced flavor and textures fade down to a less enjoyable sensation. (see part 4)
  5. I eat when I’m physically hungry and not at scheduled meal times. If I’m emotionally hungry, I find something to do and get my mind off food. (see part 5)

These five tools are all I need to maintain a healthy weight. Sometimes I’ll slip and gain a pound or two. When that happens I never go into self-blame or punishment. I just refocus on my five tools and the extra weight slips away.

I realize our body weight flexes from day to day. I give myself a five pound window of a maintained healthy weight. One doctor told me, with my body type, I should weigh 150 pounds. Another doctor said 145 pounds.

I’m happy to keep my weight between 145 and 150 pounds. If my weight goes higher than that five pound window I reanalyze my five tools. I understand I’ll have to live with these tools if I don’t want to be overweight again.

That’s okay. After all, I still have the rest of my life to get it right.

Sincerely, living a lighter life, ED

100 Pounds Lighter : Part 5

Always eating at the dining table, being aware of the first enhanced flavored bites of food, and knowing when my stomach was satisfied practically ended my weight gain. It was time to figure out my next tiny change.

I was told I should eat three meals and a snack a day. This was also recommended in a lot of books. I tried to follow this rule.

I felt like I was eating too frequently. I cut down to two meals and a snack. It still felt like too much.

I never felt hungry. Sometimes I would feel like I just finished my last meal when it was time to eat again. And, I was never hungry when I woke up for the day.

I decided to only eat, or snack, if I felt hungry. When I waited till the hunger pangs came, my food tasted wonderful.

If I ate at scheduled meal times the food was less enjoyable. I was just eating because I was suppose to.

I do not know if I should feel hungry in the mornings, For me, I felt more comfortable waking up needing to eat. I saw it as a warning bell, that I ate too much the day before, if I woke up not hungry.

I discovered another way to stop gaining weight. I decided to eat a regular breakfast and then only eat when I felt hunger in my stomach.

I had to learn the difference between emotional hunger and physical hunger. The physical hunger was a slight rumbling in my stomach. I could physically feel it.

The emotional hunger was the thought, I want to eat. I usually didn’t know what I was hungry for and my stomach felt satisfied. I would distract my mind by doing some task and forget about my emotional hunger. If it was really a physical hunger, the internal stomach rumblings would increase.

I realized I enjoyed my food more when I’m really hungry. Everything taste better and the satisfaction of my stomach receiving food felt good. I loved my meals and finally knew when to eat and when not to eat.

I really was maintaining my weight and I would lose weight occasionally. I was on my way, for the rest of my life, to get it right.

Sincerely, living a lighter life, ED

100 Pounds Lighter : Part 4

When I automatically quit eating before I got full, my body slowly stopped trying to gain weight. I felt better and knew I was moving in the right direction. It was time to make another tiny change.

Like most overweight people, I read self-help books and watched all the helpful talk shows on television. I knew a lot about nutrition and could name off diets that worked, and then the weight came back.

I read that my meal, or snack, should be eaten at a designated spot. The recommended place was the dining table. During this time there should be no distractions like television, radio, a good book, cell phone or tablet.

The focus should be strictly on what I was eating. I needed to think about flavors and chew my food properly. I also had to notice how my body felt. Was I still hungry? Was I getting full? Am I satisfied?

At first I was bored and wanted to be distracted by something else. I was a multi tasker and couldn’t understand the need to only eat.

I eventually learned why dining should be a solo task. If my mind is occupied with other things, like a TV show, I did not think about the food I was eating.

With distractions, I continued to eat till the food was gone. I ate automatically, not fully enjoying the flavors and aroma coming from each bite.

I once ate a whole bag of miniature chocolate peanut butter cups while watching television. I love this candy, but failed to savor the taste and stop eating when the wow sensation ceased.

When my only task is to feed myself, I’m more aware of all the good things that come with the food. The first three or four bites of an item gives a more enhanced flavor and texture, than the rest of the bites. Once the first few bites are over, I’m just eating out of habit. The food was in front of me, so I ate.

I learned to stop eating a particular food when the wow sensation calmed down. If I was still hungry, I ate something else. I soon discovered I actually enjoyed my food more by concentrating on the single act of dining.

I now had two ways to be aware it was time to end my feast. One was when the wow flavors subsided. The other was when my stomach felt satisfied.

I was learning to do my best. I still had the rest of my life to get it right.

Sincerely, living a lighter life, ED

100 Pounds Lighter : Part 3

I love pasta and marinara sauce. I also love a hot bowl of soup. It was hard for me to stop tasting those wonderful flavors. I would eat till my plate, or bowl, was empty and then eat more if the food was available.

My dilemma with constant weight gain, and trying to get it right, made me realize I needed to learn when to stop eating all the food in front of me. How could I know when to stop?

I thought about how I physically felt after eating. Mentally I was happy about the wonderful flavorful experience, but physically I felt full.

A full feeling was not a comfortable sensation. I would have to find a relaxing sitting position and wait for the fullness to fade. I discovered I hated feeling full.

This was my first change to getting it right. I learned to stop eating when the beginning of fullness was felt in my stomach. Once I recognize this feeling I tried to learn to stop before the fullness came.

I eventually recognized a satisfied sensation of not being hungry or full. I finally knew when I should stop eating.

If I still had food on my plate, I was happy to save it as leftovers, or throw it away. Besides, leftover pastas and soups usually taste better reheated than when they are first cooked.

I didn’t feel like I was wasting any food, just saving it for later. The foods that didn’t make good leftovers did go to the trash. However, I soon learned to prepare smaller portions.

Learning to not get full, helped me to stop my weight gain and it made me feel better physically. I was one step closer to getting it right for the rest of my life.

Sincerely, living a lighter life, ED